Since being bedridden my recovery is all I’ve focused on but now that I am almost 100 percent and back in the work world I am realizing I don’t have the same likes, dislikes or style I use to have.
My old life was not mine. I lived a life that was curated by people in my life, the way I was raised and the way I positioned myself in a world of unknown, confusion and daily outside influences.
I am now at a point that I don’t feel comfortable in the clothes I use to wear. The style is really not mine! It doesn’t suit me and I feel extremely uncomfortable in everything. Nothing seems to fit because my body is a different shape now that I have regained muscle, tissue and basically filled out to a healthy body size.
So, here I am looking for clothes, shopping at all my old stores and walking out with nothing and wondering what the hell is going on? I think to myself “This is what I use to wear, this is the style I was use to wearing.” As I’ve been going through these motions I felt confused and I wasn’t understanding why this was happening.
I’m still at the point of not knowing what my style is yet but I’m working on it. It feels like it’s the process I have to go through to get to the next phase which is a typical theme in my recovery stages. It feels like it’s taking so much time to get to the next step as I climb out of this life changing transformation.
As I struggle through this I am figuring out what my true self likes and dislikes. I am finding myself in all the rubble that was left behind in the illness. Mind, body and soul transformation is a big deal so I am taking it slow and really embracing myself. My feelings. Me. I’m learning to be selfish which is really hard! My selfish side is telling me it has to be this way.