I knew one thing on January 1, 2015 that I needed to take control of my life in many ways! Instead of allowing others to control my life which, at that point was one major issue that I needed to change, along with other things. I use to make decisions for my life according to what others thought I should be doing. Everything in my life was unbalanced which was not leading me down a healthful path. I sifted out the toxic people in my life and all things that were not working for me like the place I was living in, the area my house was located, my job, my then boyfriend and few other things that needed to go! I started to take back my life! I began my journey to a balanced life and I am happier than I have ever been!
I allowed my life to get out of control, not having energy to function was probably the main reason. I knew I needed to make changes in my life because nothing was working for me. I was unhappy with all aspects of my life. I could see that I had toxic people in my life and that I made my life decisions based on what other people thought was what I should do. Sadly, I realized it was a cycle I had been caught in for far too long. I knew I had to put a stop to it immediately. In my journey to set my life on the right path I’ve learned a lot of things. Here are a few:
I am very impatient person, I dislike waiting, I have to see results immediately or there is no point in trying and I have always been in perpetual motion; mentally and physically. I have learned with my illnesses over the past 3.5 years to be patient, to slowly work at things to get results, and to take my time and be grateful for what I do have. I had no choice but to stop everything because I didn’t have energy to do anything but work full time to pay the bills, eat and sleep! Once I found help with homeopathic care I again was taught to be patient as my body repaired itself. Bit by bit my skin, muscles, lungs had shut down and it took time to nurture them back to health. Watching my body return to normal has been over a year long process that has been a journey of the mind, body and soul. I’m not healthy yet but I am working on it every hour of every day.
Not my guilt
This kind of guilt is what you allow into your life but it stems from society. The societal norms of the world, those rights and wrongs that are embedded into your brain as a child but in my case never belonged. I fight against them every day because it is not a natural way for me to think but none the less it is forever being pushed down my throat. Those norms are not naturally a part of my world and I have to be true to myself. In doing so I don’t have any guilt only contentment.
I see life as a freedom of your desires, wants, needs and dreams. My religion is being a good person every day not asking for or expecting anything, just being me. I resent the push everyone thinks they have to have on me. Leave me alone, simply be in my life as someone who is on my side not against me, who trusts my decisions, my insight, my beliefs, my direction, my choices and my independent ability to keep myself on the path my life should be on. After all it is my life!
I don’t have any guilt from any choices or decisions I’ve made on my own about my life. I did however find myself in a life I created by listening to what others thought my life should look like and once I got rid of everything that was not working, my life began! It was an amazing feeling to feel the control I had over myself finally. I have learned that to make these life choices toxic people have to be out of my life completely or enough that they are not involved in my daily life so that their ways don’t interfere with my thinking process. It’s exhausting fighting against those individuals and I shouldn’t have to. This happen to me because I allowed it to happen and I was the only one who could rectify it. I figured out I self-sacrifice which, is what toxic people feed off of, and that ultimately helped in destroying my health.
I can see how much and fast I have isolated myself so that I can heal. I’ve put distance between myself and others so that I don’t have to hear or sense their disagreement of my need to take time off to heal. I don’t want to hear what others have to say when they have no idea what it’s like to have CD and UC or how ill I was from years of iron deficiency anemia but for some reason think they have the obligation to tell me their opinions about my decisions concerning my health, my life! There are many other life altering experiences that come into play that force someone into isolation because if others haven’t experienced it they can’t understand.
“There is a lot of joy involved in loving a free spirit! These types of individuals can produce insight and inspiration that would otherwise remain unknown. The spirit, heart, and pride with which free spirits tackle daily problems can produce moments that take your breath away. If you can win the heart of a free spirit, then treasure her or him for every moment that you can.” Dustin LaBarge